His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
