i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
