Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
