Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
