I faked an abortion last night.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
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He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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