Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
