his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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