Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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