a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
