nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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