Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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