How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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