Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
