apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
