Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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