Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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