dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am mentally ready for anal.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
