cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I look better un-naked...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
