Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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