I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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