ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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