When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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