I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
