i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
