Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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