i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
