Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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