Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Apparently you make a good broom.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
