im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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