It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
