I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
