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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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