dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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