Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I need to align my fucking chakras
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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