Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
