The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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