Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
