so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
