My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
