she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
