I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
