Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
