i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
