nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
