cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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