Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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