I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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