well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
do herpes really smell.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
