Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I will pee on everything he values.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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