i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
