im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
