I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
