3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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