anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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