dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
