Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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